Values - what are you willing to struggle for?

Values is one of my favourite topics to discuss in session with clients, with friends, with my kids and

anyone willing to listen, because it is one of the most important and often overlooked topics, and

brings huge reward when we give it a bit of attention. We all kind of know what our values

are but we often don't give them the dedication and time that they need to really clarify them. Yet when

we do, we align ourselves with what is most important to us and this leads to a richer and more fulfilling

life. If you are feeling lost or stuck in your life, struggling in a relationship, or wanting some direction -

then I promise that some time spent understanding and clarifying your values will be revealing and hopefully

be a beacon to shed some light on the way forward.

Nic Wignall gives a beautiful summary of what exactly values are in his excellent article.

"Values are ideals or principles that can be used to guide and motivate our choices, especially in difficult circumstances."

There are a number of exercises recommended to help us reflect on our Values and an excellent

survey here which serves as a helpful springboard for understanding our strengths as values in

action. I often get clients to complete this and send me the results for discussion and I always circle

back to these values in future sessions as the foundation for understanding what's important to them,

and why struggle might be showing up in their life. You can also get your partner or friend to complete

them too which can serve as a great discussion point.

Mark Manson draws our attention to the Greek philosopher Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics in which he describes two forms of happiness - Hedonia ( often described as pleasure and rooted in lower values like

the next Netflix episode or a bottle of wine on a Friday night) and Eudaimonia ( focused on meaning or fulfillment). He invites us to consider that work on values often involves sacrifice. We have to be prepared to focus on higher values at the cost of lower pleasure rooted ones. We cannot have it all and it is often the case that choosing the easier and more familiar path which leads to instant gratification comes at a psychological cost. My clients come to me because they are struggling in their life - and evaluating their current choice of values often leads them to recognise that the more temporary hedonistic rooted values might be preventing them from finding meaning and fulfillment. We only have so much time in our busy lives and we need to pay attention to what we are doing with that time. So the important question I ask is - what are you willing to struggle for? Where are you willing to give up your time? Are you happy to help a good friend in need or sacrifice your weekend to work on a meaningful project? Would you volunteer your time for a charity you care about? All of these experiences don't bring instant pleasure or satisfaction but when we are willing to turn down other things and make a choice to do something at the cost of something else - this will bring its own sense of reward and meaning .

So if we know what value our struggle is serving, then we are more willing to embrace discomfort for higher meaning and purpose. Take for example - the values of love of learning and curiosity. If this is important to you then you may well be willing to spend many weekends studying for a course because it stimulates your love of learning and activates your curiosity. As a result there will inevitably be events you will miss and things you have to say no to. If health is an important value then you are more likely to behave in ways that support exercise and healthy eating and yes - this might mean turning down that glass of wine at the party and saying no to a tasty dessert. It's about choosing the pain you are prepared to suffer knowing it serves a higher purpose.

James Clear reminds us that values are our north star and can provide a much needed light in the darkness to steer the way forward. In his fabulous book Atomic Habits he emphasises the importance of aligning our habits with our values so that we focus on the person we want to become. If we want to get fit but struggle to follow through on new habits that support this, then aligning it with an important value like family and being able to have more energy for your kids can provide the motivation to follow through with our actions. When we don't want to get up in the morning to go for a run, remembering our higher value can help encourage us to put our trainers on and get out the door. Sacrifices are made (our warm cosy bed) because you are aligned with what you value and feels most important (energy and fun playing with the kids). If we don't know what we are willing to struggle for then life can feel pointless as we desperately seek comfort in the familiar of pleasure at the cost of growth. So - if you are stuck in a pattern and wanting to create a shift - aim for some clarity on your values and see what you discover. It might not be comfortable, but it will provide purpose amdist the sttuggle, and this can make all the difference to a shift in mood and a more intentional way of living.